I Have Always Known

I am 62 years old, and I have known since I was about 14 that my mother had two abortions prior to my birth.  She told me this herself, as she was going through a complete mental breakdown, the effects of which eventually took her life at 57.  I was told that this happened during or right after the great depression.  For many years, I had a hard time understanding.  Both my parents were dead by the time I was 16.  Often times I thought how wonderful it would have been to have my lost siblings with me after our parents were gone.  My mom told me there was a boy, whom she had quietly named Richard after the abortion.  I still think about my brother Richard and what he would have been like. 

My mom said at one time that the second abortion was done so early that they could not tell if it was a boy or a girl. I just think maybe it was a sister.  I have not named her, maybe I should, to give her an existence and a face in my heart. 

The reason I think it may have been a girl, is that in the months before my dad died of cancer, he would call me into his room almost every day and ask me if I saw the little girl standing at the foot of his bed.  He described her in detail, a little girl about 6 years old, wearing a sun dress and a straw hat.  Of course I saw nothing, but he insisted she was there, I don't mean once or twice, it was almost every day, and he described her in such vivid detail, hair color, eyes, everything, although he said she never said anything to him.  Once he said to me, "you know I was no angel in my life, and she may be a reminder of that", he never ever mentioned the abortions to me, but now looking back I can see a connect here as well.

My dad never mentioned seeing a boy, my brother Richard, just the little girl.  Maybe she was looking for a name, so I will give her that.  I have to think about it, and I have been praying to Richard and for Richard, so now I will pray to my baby sister too, although she would have been older than me, I still see her as my baby sister.  Maybe I will ask her what name she would like and pray about it.

One more thing, after my dad died, I was out of my mind with grief, I was 13, and thought my world would end.  We were very close.  I slept in his bed the whole time he was in the hospital, I missed him so much. One night before he died, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I saw a very bright luminous figure at the foot of the bed.  It had no features, just light in a human form, it did not move.  I pulled the covers up over my head I was so scared, I kept looking out over the covers and it was still there, time after time and it stayed there for quite a while.  It only happened once, never again, but I think it was my guardian angel to tell me she would be there for me and that the next several years would be tough but I would not be alone.

 Another thing I found out not too long ago, I was talking to my cousin, who is about 9 years older than me and remembers my birth and the circumstances surrounding my birth.  She told me that indeed it was true that my Mom had had two abortions, and that I was supposed to "make up" for the ones that were lost.  Now that was another bomb to me, because I then thought that if my siblings had lived, my parents probably would not have had me.  I was born when both of them were well into their 40's.  So, another guilt bomb, my siblings died so I could live in a way.  So there are so many emotions that spin around, guilt that I am alive because they died, my life was to make up for the loss of their lives, and on and on.  All I can do is have faith in God, trust that His hand is on my life, and for whatever reason I am here and have a job to do for Him.

I had one living sister, so these abortions took place between her birth and mine, so there would have been 4 of us in my family if we all had been allowed to live.  My sister has since passed away in an auto accident, so I have no siblings left.  I think it might be good for people to know that we all suffer from abortion.  It is not something that only affects the mother or the father over time.  I have not forgotten my siblings and I never will.  I miss them although I never knew them.  I cannot get it out of my mind, and I pray for my mom, my dad, and my siblings every day.    It really does not just go away, not for the parents or for the siblings, or for the grandparents I am sure, as I am a proud grandma of 6.  I cannot imagine my life without any one of them.  So God bless you, and all those in need of hope or the courage to go on.   KT

A Brotherly Presence

From earliest memory, I had always wanted an older brother. Every weekend starting in the first grade, I would go to my friend Andy’s house and we would play in the woods, skateboard, and shoot each other with nerf guns.

Andy was a great friend and he had an older brother that I idolized as the man I always wanted. He would wrestle us (beat on us really), tell us jokes and listen to U2 and the Police, and he taught me how to ride a skateboard.

 I loved every minute of being at that house, and when ever I returned home, I would joyfully tell my parents about how much I wished I had an older brother! Believe it or not I used to tell my parents this often until I graduated from college. It always seemed to me that this drive in my heart, which was so specific, was also constantly present to me.

Shortly after graduating from college (doing what all good college graduates do) and moving in with my parents, something happened. My family was in the process of a real conversion of faith.

One afternoon my mother sat me down at the kitchen table with tears in her eyes. I knew something life changing was about to be said, but I could never have guessed what was about to be disclosed to me. My mother told me that indeed I had once had an older brother! In disbelief and shock and feeling all the loss in my heart, I burst into tears.

She began to tell me the sad story of her and my father’s unexpected pregnancy at nearly 20 years of age, and how they were forced to abort the child by their parents. She was far enough along to have known her child was a boy and she spoke of how she desired to have run away to hide and have the baby. She was filled with fear of what my reaction would be, and honestly, it was difficult. Suddenly my whole life was beginning to make sense. Every desire, and sadness. I had actually felt his loss in my heart throughout the course of my life.

Of course, I forgave my mom and dad but a wound has remained. I have wept for the loss of my brother and longed to see his face but through a  gift of God, this brother of mine has become close. I know now that in those moments in my life when I desired a brother so desperately, he was then, at that moment, near to me. I speak to him often now and I know him to be a constant faithful companion.

Remarkably, Our Lord has also given another gift. Several years later He began to call me to religious life and now I experience the literal “hundred fold’ that Christ speaks of in the Gospels. In my community of Franciscan Friars, I literally have one hundred and twenty brothers!

Christ is the wounded healer and He shows us that precisely through our wounds is the path of His deepest and most lasting healing. That grace and life are far greater than all that we have lost through sin and He asks only one thing from us, “let yourselves be loved”.       Michael